I am one of those people who trips over my own feet and slams into a wall. I’ve been known to walk into automatic doors and try to pull on handles that say push. Most people will trip going downstairs, but I manage to trip going up. I trip on flat surfaces, run into walls, have absolutely no sense of balance, and find it incredibly difficult to walk in heels. I don’t even know why I try, to be honest, because I probably look like a quack doing it. “Graceful” is not a word that describes me at all – not even remotely. Of course, being clumsy isn’t the only stupid thing I do, so let’s get into this post!
Here’s a list of the stupid things I do:
1. Stand around awkwardly.
I’m an introvert with little to no social skills, so getting me to talk in a public setting is asking for trouble. At social events, I will almost always stand around awkwardly in a corner hoping desperately that no one sees me and decides to come talk to me. If they do, I will smile and nod along, hoping that they don’t intend to keep talking for long. And then there’s that awkward moment when they decide to let me talk for a bit, but of course that’s a bad idea. If I don’t know you, I can’t talk to you, period. I’m not very good at the “small-talk” bit, and strangers don’t particularly care for it when you start asking the deeper questions. So when this happens I start to squirm a little, shift my feet, fidget, nervously chuckle, and try to turn the conversation back on them. My best friend outright laughed at me when I playfully mentioned my “social graces” to her. But really, it’s not my fault!
*cue Mr. Darcy*
2. Drop things.
Okay, I know this isn’t just me — this can’t be just me. But though others may have a tendency to drop things, I seem to have taken it to the next level. I have real skills in this department. Let’s take my phone for an example — I consistently drop my phone at least twenty times a day. Okay fine, I haven’t counted exactly how many times, but it’s a lot. The funny thing is that I have gone through three phones and none of them clonked out from being dropped, though they were cosmetically damaged. I have accidentally dropped them on pavement, in water, stepped on them, and somehow I drop them when I’m not even doing anything. I really just have to be holding it and somehow I freak out and drop it. There was this one time I even ACCIDENTALLY kicked my best friend’s phone across a parking lot after she dropped it. And it’s not just with phones, I drop everything. One time I dropped my only touchscreen laptop while I was at school with a friend and the whole screen shattered. I really thought I was done for, but thankfully I found a way to turn off the touch screen component and it works fine now.. even though the screen is still seriously cracked. I know, I know, I have a problem.
3. Avoid phone calls.
This one reflects badly on my social skills… yet again. I can text with no problem, but when it comes to actually talking to people over the phone, count me out! I can barely do it with people that I’m 100% comfortable with, and even then I prefer to text. I would rather meet in person with someone than talk to them over the phone, and I hate meeting with people in person. If that doesn’t convey to you the extent of my problem with phone calls, I don’t know what will. To the people who know me well and talk to me regularly, please don’t call me unless it’s an emergency.
4. Buy things impulsively.
I’ll confess it, I’m a shopaholic. I don’t do it often, but I love shopping! When I do go shopping, chances are that I will buy that one expensive item that I just don’t need. Online shopping is my absolute favorite thing! I can get all the stuff I want without having to deal with the people at the store! The thing that isn’t so great is actually handing over the money.. I don’t like to think about it that much, but my bank account keeps reminding me that the only trip I can afford to make is to the backyard and the only clothes I can afford are either made at home (my mom can sew!) or from the thrift store — or amazon, if I’m lucky enough to find something cheap enough.
5. Breezy skirts in breezy weather.
I really have no excuse for this one. I should have learned by now to check the weather before going out in my new lightweight spring dress. When the wind picks up — and it will because I live in a place with the most unpredictable weather in California — I have to really work hard to keep the Marilyn Monroe moments to a minimum. It’s hard, let me tell you! Girls, trust me, it’s better to be safe than sorry! I’m beginning to second guess wearing ANY breezy skirts or dresses when I go to important places.. like church, for instance. That could get awkward really, really fast.
I know I can be quite a handful, and it’s a wonder that I have any friends at all. But I do! They’re usually the ones pulling me back from stupidly walking into moving traffic while crossing the street — real lifesavers! 😉