This is kind of a personal post. But it’s something that needs to be said for anyone else who might be struggling with this. So here goes!
I grew up in a broken family and I had a rough childhood. It wasn’t just me, my siblings did too. I started to be sad all the time, and at first, that’s all it was. Sadness. But then this darkness enveloped me and it just took over. I couldn’t stop it. I had thoughts of suicide, I had thoughts of running away, I had anger built up inside me against my family, I had these overwhelmingly negative thoughts in my head and in my heart for so long.
Then I got saved. It was like everything lifted from me and I could breathe again! It was a breath of fresh air! There was a joy in my heart that I couldn’t explain, except that Jesus put it there. His presence with me was such a comfort. He was my best Friend, my loving Father, and my Lord and King. I knew He loved me and I wanted to love Him with all my heart.
But somewhere along the line, I got “too busy”. I stopped reading my Bible because I “didn’t have time”. That was my excuse. And then because I stopped reading my Bible, I couldn’t find the words to pray anymore. Because I wasn’t praying, I couldn’t feel God with me. I started taking control of my own life and my own happiness and thinking that I could do it myself. How naive I was!
I felt this little voice in the back of my head and this guilty feeling in my heart, telling me to pray, to read my Bible, to fellowship with God. But I resisted Him. I resisted His pull on my heart. I started puffing myself up, I didn’t need Him, I could do it on my own. The only time I opened my Bible was at church and even then I didn’t really do it to grow. I stopped enjoying church, I started getting distracted.
There was this void I had created in my soul by resisting God and leaving Him out of my life. I had been told growing up by my parents that I was a mistake, that my mom wished she never had kids. Hearing that as a little girl had a tremendous effect on my psyche and I honestly believed it. When I was saved I knew God loved me, but I couldn’t connect that knowledge to a belief. I couldn’t believe that God loved me, because how could He love me when my own mother couldn’t even love me? I have carried that with me all of these years. It took losing someone I love to finally break me and make me face God.
It was then, when I had no one, when I was so broken inside that I had nowhere to turn, that I turned to God. Finally. I started by just telling Him how angry I was and how depressed. He was so patient with me. He’s always been so patient with me. I poured out everything to Him and I began to feel calm again. He brought me to my knees. I prayed like I’d never prayed before, I began to read, to really read His word again. I even seriously considered therapy, because I needed help. But since I’ve put my trust in Him again and begun to give Him control of my life again, to pray to Him and to love Him again, I’ve realized I don’t need therapy. He is enough.
I sat down with my mother and told her everything I had been going through, since I was a little girl. And I asked for forgiveness for any wrong I’ve done and I forgave her and the rest of my family. She broke down and told me that she had no idea. She never knew I had been struggling with depression for so long. She never knew that it was because of things she had said and done. She apologized wholeheartedly to me. She told me that anytime she said those things it was done in a moment of anger and that she was so sorry for giving into it. She said that she knows why I was born into this family; it was because she prayed that God would give her me. That she prayed for another daughter and I was the answered prayer. She told me that she has always loved me. We both cried and forgave each other.
I really thought my heart was going to burst. I couldn’t believe it.
I’ve started an app called Abide, it’s a Christian meditation app. It’s been helping so much! It’s such a great tool! I highly recommend it. I’ve been doing my devotionals again and I’ve been spending time in His word and in prayer.
By His grace alone, I have been able to forgive my family for past hurts and begin a new relationship with my mother, I have reconciled with an old friend that I had hurt in the past, and most importantly, I have fellowship with God again. And by His grace alone, I have given my depression and anxiety and panic attacks over to Him, to heal me. And as soon as I did that, He took them from me. I still get anxious every now and then, but as soon as I feel it coming on, I pray that He will take it away and allow me to feel His presence with me, and He does! He answers that prayer every time! I can honestly say I no longer struggle with depression.
I can feel Him with me everyday. Yes, I’m still heartbroken over losing someone I love, but God will allow that relationship to mend in His timing. I miss him so much, I still love him so much, but I know that only God can heal that break. Only God can mend our hearts. God is the only answer. He always has been. He always will be. I know He will never leave me, never forsake me. More than just knowing it, I finally believe it. If I have God, I have all I need. I have God and that is enough. He will help me to heal.
I can’t wait to go to church on Sunday! Not because of who I will see there, but because I want to learn again. I want to worship God! I want to hear the message the pastor will preach, I want to have Christian fellowship again.
This has been an unusual post, I know. But I wanted to be real with you guys and share what’s been on my heart and what’s been going on in my life and hope that this will help someone out there. Or at least just be a push to get back into your Bible. Thank you so much for reading! 🙂